Rolling landscapes, slow-motion bridges and skyrises in the distance. The jostle of the train rumbled beneath my seat. The sky gloomed above to a slate color, casting a soft haze on the dead trees and abandoned buildings.
Out of my peripheral, a stranger to the left of me quickly glanced away from me, clearly having been caught staring. I noticed they didn't have any baggage or belongings besides their phone. How odd to be taking a 2 and a half hour train without anything to carry.
They sheepishly met my observing eyes and said "I really like your jacket."
I looked down at my jacket. "Oh thanks, I got it online off an Instagram ad."
"Those things really get you," they chuckled. "I bought a gag gift from those ads for my partner one time and now it won't stop showing me ads for socks that say 'If you can read this, bring me wine',"
I laughed. "Oh the things we endure for our partners."
Their face suddenly went grim and they looked awkwardly out their window. "Sorry, I don't know why I said partner."
"Oh," I paused, not sure what that implied.
"It's kind of weird. I'm actually going to break up with him." They continued to look out the window. The gloom outside persisted.
"Oh. Like, right now?" I asked.
They nodded towards me. A small smile returned to their face. "It's all good, I promise. I'm standing up for myself."
"That's great then!" I smiled.
"It's just that, I don't know why I feel like crap if I'm doing the right thing, you know?" They leaned in slightly towards me, their eyes scanning mine for answers, comfort, anything.
"Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't feel right," I said softly. "Because that one right thing is usually connected to so many more variables, and those variables are affected too. And suddenly, you making one right decision will cloud 20 other things that were seemingly unrelated. And it's a lot for you to comprehend so your brain loops it all into one package to try to understand it. But all that does is make things seem confusing and sad and wrong."
They continued to look into my eyes, then sat back and looked ahead after a few prolonged seconds. "Stupid brain." They murmured.
"Hey, it's a good sign that you started off by saying this is a good thing. You know to some extent that that's right in the end." I tried to encourage them.
"No, you're definitely right." They sighed. "I just have been coming to terms with everything I've been through lately. And like you said, it's been a lot. It's been like me screaming at my past self trying to shake my own shoulders, screaming 'hey! snap out of it!'"
I nodded. The scenery of dead trees and abandoned buildings turned into miles of yellowing tall grass. The shake of the train steadied.
"Just so much anger. So much resentment and disappointment and guilt. I betrayed myself in the end because I lied to myself. I lied about my emotional capacity and when he kept asking for more, I kept saying yes. It made me a liar. It made me a traitor to myself." They glanced at my face as though to check if they were making sense.
"But here you are, having realized that." I ensured. "Who you're becoming is more important than who you've been."
They sat with those words for a few moments. "Who I'm becoming..." They trailed off. "I'm in some weird state with myself right now. I want to be held but I don't want him to get too close. I want him to take me home at night but I don't want to tell him where I am. I want to section off a place of the earth where no one can find me, but I want to be with him."
I exhaled. "To be loved is harder than loving. More than you just learning to navigate yourself, you're also just learning to accept love in a way that compliments that acceptance of yourself. It's a long process."
They stared at their feet and chuckled. "I knew your choice in jacket was a sign I should talk to you."
I laughed. The train came to a slow rumble as it rolled into the station. The scenery speckled with more and more modern glass skyrises as the train came to a stop.
I wished them luck as they got off at the station and watched them hesitate at the platform, looking at the glass skyrises, before walking away. The scenery outside transitioned as the train started on it's journey again. I took one last look at the glass structures as they seemingly floated away.
Glass skyrises sounded like a paradox, something that didn't make sense. Like how a bee shouldn't be able to fly, I wondered how structures built of glass were able to tower above the world without shattering. The metal and steel hidden behind the seemingly fragile outsides are the unseen, unmoving core needed to sustain such structures.
I hoped when they stopped to view the skyrises, they realized the steps they took immediately after was the first placements of their own steel core. Their outer glass was reflective of both their internal state and outer environment; their inner reflection radiating warmth and brighter times, the outer reflection allowing me to see myself in them. The reflection and the core, shaping all things we strive to be and empowering those around us to build stronger and higher. Even if looking down from the top seems scary, self-love is worth it in the end.